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The thought of walking through the doors again takes my breathe away. I can hear my heart beating out of my chest. The feelings of inadequacy rise and my fear of rejection returns. Having your heart trampled on after sharing the depths of it’s passion and purpose will do this to you.
The temptation to walk away was never easy and the final steps of departure did not come without angst or trepidation. The questions you will face will be to hard to answer. You will lie and call it a sabbatical. You will give a million reasons why you’re not ready to return. You will even say words like someday… maybe even soon yet you know you could not possibly subject yourself or your family to that again.
You will be told why you are out of sync with His word. You will be pointed at and lied about. You will see the looks and whispers but no one will come and sit with you asking how you are doing because your disease may spread. They will disqualify your leadership and heart in order to bring distance and safety to the organization.
The longer you stay away the more you will detox and begin to heal. Much like an addict you think you can possibly handle a gather or two but when you’re invite the fear rises and the blood begins to ooze.
Will this pain ever end?
Will the leaves ever begin to change?
Will you ever be accepted again for who you are and where Father has you in life?
Coming up with excuses is not fun and honestly you try your hardest to avoid the topic. Your certainty about what’s wrong with the building is more solid than ever yet, your desire to pull anyone down the path is no longer there. You know the depth of loneliness and despair this journey has and yet you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. You are hearing and seeing there is life and light outside the norm.
But, how.. how can we coexist without stepping on toes?
How can we each go our separate ways without judgment and condemnation?
The words that are spewed bring about guilt and frustration. The lack of compassion or care is enough to make you give up of reformation.
This undoing has brought out something in you that you never knew was possible. To love and see truth. To forgive and let go of people who did not choose to love you at your “worst”. The ability to give grace and let people go on their own journey. The ability to see Jesus outside in the world moving and changing lives in new and exciting ways.
To see your leadership grow and thrive.
My heart longs for the detox to end. My heart is excited to see Him moving at the ball field, in my neighborhood and at my son’s school. My heart is excited to be used in new ways… never thought imaginable.
But, more than anything my heart longs for compassion and acceptance. My heart longs for those broken relationship to be healed. My heart longs for those wrongs to be made right. My heart longs to see Him move in more lives. My heart longs for people to stop seeing in black and white and start seeing with love that there may be no wrong or right answer because His LOVE always wins.
Father God I pray for those struggling inside and outside the norms of religious performance, obligation and freedom of relationship. I pray for people to love one another no matter what choices they make. I pray for LOVE to be the mark Your people leave on this world. I pray for You to change hearts and minds everywhere and through every type of person. Amen!
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